泪何时干

I'm kinda emo whenever people mention about my bro going to study in Australia.
Not because I miss him *yucks*...if you know me, you may know why.
Whenever people start talking about my bro, I'll keep quiet and leave the group, not hoping to listen anything about that.

I thought blog is where I can tell all my stories, which I don't tell people, but I don't want people approach me and start questioning what I have written here, or saying I'm childish (because this is not how you define "childish").

My bro left Brunei this morning, I thought for a long time whether I want to send my bro flight.
Conclusion, I'm not gonna send him. Why?
I start to cry whenever people talk about my bro studying abroad (again, not because I miss him).
I cry when my dad asked me why I don't wanna send him (I kept quiet).
I cry when I sms my dad confirming I'm not gonna send him (telling my dad I have meeting).
I cry even when I blog about this, now. lol
I don't wish to cry, but....i can't help.

I was OK, that's why I spent my holiday in Australia happily with my family.
I was OK, that's why I talk to my mom and bro.
I was OK, that's why I go home.
I was Ok, that's why I smile.
But afterall, whoever whenever mention about my bro, I'll start to cry.

I hope I won't be crying tonight when I reach home, facing the truth that my bro has left.

I feel that way because I haven't get the answer yet, the reason why my mom didn't allow me to study abroad.
4 years ago, the reason she gave was because I'm not a good girl, and Vui is better girl than me.

From that day on, I told myself "My bro must not study abroad when he's my age."

I never tell this to my parents because I don't want them to feel bad sending my bro and not me.
I never tell because I know I'm lucky enough to have a life like this.
I never tell because I don't want my parents think that I have a lot of complaints.
Doing all these, just because I want them to know I'm a good girl.
But.....................I wonder if there's a game asking them to list my good sides, I wonder what will they write.

I dislike people telling me how lucky am I comparing to others.
I know some people has no $ to study, that's why I asked my dad about his financial condition before I decide whether to study abroad.

It's not me comparing to others.
This issue is only between me, my bro and my mom. Not others!

Before I thought this way : I sacrifice not studying abroad, leave the money to let my bro to study since he is good in studies.

But this way of thinking doesn't work now.

May be people telling me how bad it is to study abroad, tell me it's not fun at all, may be I can let go.

I did forgive, I try to forget, I thought I let go, But in the end, I realise, The needle is still in my heart.